Wanted: A Better Valentine’s
Is Valentine’s Day about love or anxiety? As a school kid, giving out cards to the whole class, I dread Valentine’s Day. Then, as a young adult, the pressure around Valentine’s Day and the risk of rejection just made me even more awkward. Even as I got into long-term relationships, I was worried I would get everything wrong. Perhaps it’s just my distressing experiences, but I think it’s time to revisit the real emotion we celebrate on Valentine’s Day.
Consider what history tells us about love and St. Valentine. The original St. Valentine was a martyred priest who died in 269 A.D. He was jailed for his religious work and then miraculously cured the blindness of his jailer’s daughter. Sure beats a box of chocolates.
But, for his efforts, he was martyred. One of his final acts was sending a note to the daughter signed, “Your Valentine.” It’s good she could read the note, but the ending wasn’t happy for these two.
After Valentine became a saint, Valentine’s Day became a feast day in the medieval church. During the Renaissance, the Feast of St. Valentine began to be associated with romantic love as it was tied to the advent of spring and the time of birds and other animals choosing their mates. While this type of structured coupling works in nature and during the Renaissance, modern matchmaking is a bit more complicated.
Fast forward to industrialization and commercialization and Valentine’s Day is a major economic enterprise. In the United States, over $100 per person each year. People make grand gestures for their significant others, and schoolchildren everywhere are obligated to participate as they hope for a cool sticker or sweet treat.
Valentine’s has become the lovers’ holiday, but do we need to think about love so narrowly? We’re in the midst of a loneliness epidemic where social connection and romantic love is increasingly tenuous. Maybe Valentine’s Day should be a celebration of love and connection more broadly and a time to strengthen social connection?
In some ways, we are already doing this. Galentine’s Day or Palentine’s Day has been designated as February 13th and is a time to celebrate close friendships. International Quirkyalone Day was created on February 14th to celebrate the confidence of self-love, even for people in a relationship. Clearly, we are rethinking how Valentine’s Day should fit in broader society.
Each of these celebrations focus on a different kind of love: romantic love for Valentine’s Day, friendship for Galentine’s and Palentine’s Day, and love of self for Quirkyalone Day. It turns out the Ancient Greeks had this figured out long before St. Valentine became a martyr. They described eight types of love: Eros (passion), Philia (friendship), Ludus (flirtation), Agape (humanism), Pragma (love developed through long experience together), Philautia (self-love), Storge (family), and Mania (obsession). Maybe Valentine’s Day should be reconceived as a celebration of these different kinds of love? (Well, except Mania. That’s a bit much.)
When I look back on how my Valentine’s Days have evolved, I can see many of these types of love. As I discovered romance, I felt Ludus (flirtation) and, eventually, Eros with my wife. Over our years together that has led to Storge (family) and Pragma (shared experience). Pragma might be the most undervalued and undercelebrated aspect of love. My work with older adults in the hospital constantly reminds me of the importance of durable relationships with others.
As I have developed the confidence of middle age, I have developed Philautia (self-love). As a nearly 50-year-old who works with many twenty-somethings launching their professional careers and lives, I have recognized how much I appreciate people who are self-assured but not blustery adults.
I cherish my friendships (Philia) and care about my community (Agape) but have never celebrated these affections on Valentine’s Day. Maybe it is time.
Valentine’s Day should be so much more than a way-to-expensive card and a box of chocolates. It should be a chance to learn about love and express these different types of love to those around us. As my family has been created, my Valentine’s Days have shifted from romantic dinners with my wife to laughter-filled celebrations with my wife and kids. I cherish these times because these relationships are so important to me, and they have defined how my ideas of love have expanded.
This year, I want to do even more. I want to reach out to my friends and wish them a Happy Valentine’s Day. I want to feel and build on the connections I have with my community. And, I want to appreciate myself and how I keep getting closer to being the person I want to be.
We are in the midst of a loneliness epidemic where social connections have frayed and more people are depressed and anxious. We need to rebuild these social connections. Enhancing our rituals around Valentine’s Day is a step in the right direction. We should celebrate love, just more expansively and more expressively than we have for the past several centuries. In short, I’d love for you to be my Valentine.
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This writing may not be used for generative artificial intelligence without express written consent of the author. Image created by the author using Midjourney.
