Why I’m Glad My Son Got an ‘F’ in English

Last week, my son got an ‘F’ on an English assignment. He confessed this to me as he got into the car after sports practice. At first, I was disappointed, but it ended up being great, let me explain:

Typically, when my son gets in the car, he goes straight to his phone. I ask him a bunch of questions—
How was school? How was practice? Are you hungry? He gives me monosyllabic answers until I run out of steam. I can only try so hard to be an engaged parent.

After he got the ‘F,’ the ride home was different; we talked the whole way. 

We talked about how he had done the reading for the assignment and gotten so engrossed in the book (which he finished early) that he did not make notes as he was going along (as he was supposed to for the assignment). We talked about how sometimes you have to do things a certain way for a teacher or a boss, even if you would rather do things a different way. We talked about the importance of finding joy in your work and balancing that fulfillment with the constraints of a job.

It wasn’t just me imparting fatherly wisdom on him. He was reminding me of something important about being together.

Recently, the U.S. Surgeon General released a report on loneliness. There’s more to unpack in that report than I will cover here, but one of the big themes is how all of us need to foster connection in our lives. The report does not delve as deeply into this issue as it could, but so much of developing connections with others is just being together. Researchers have quantified the number of hours you have to spend with someone to become friends (at least 30, probably a lot more), and the secret seems to be to show up and be ready. Eventually, you will have those memorable, friendship-sealing experiences that we remember years later and that shape a shared identity as friends.

As for my son: after the ‘F’, he has an ‘A-‘ in English with three weeks to go in the year. He’ll likely be able to pull his final grade up to an ‘A’ if he gives his teacher what she wants. However, how to navigate those complexities of life is not the important lesson. I only have a few more years of driving him around in the car and, once in a while, something important might happen. I need to be ready. 

Maybe it’s OK for him to get an ‘F’ every once in a while.